I remember that anger was taboo growing up, unless you were mom or dad. Dad’s anger wasn’t fun, but I could feel it was his frustration and underneath that was still his warmth and kindness. Mom’s was more mysterious and unpredictable and it had deeper repercussions. When she blew, I was blown away and felt deep shame. So, to avoid her anger, I did my best to be good. I remember sometimes I couldn’t just control the anger. Once I came home from school, I was maybe 13 or 14 and was so mad I kicked off my shoe and dented the ceiling. That dent was never repaired. I remember seeing it on any visit even as an adult, still there, a testament to a rare outburst of anger.
So I felt no only unaccepted, but unloved if I were to h
ave angry feelings. Anger was used by my mother to control and so I learned to control by being good. “If I am good, I will avoid outbursts, rejection, and trouble.” In fact, I developed a deeply ingrained compensation: being perfect. It showed up in all my pursuits: a high standard that I strove for and most times attained, yet under that seemingly “good” standard of excellence was the underlying shame and fear of further rejection. “If I just am perfect, than no one has reason to not like me and I will be accepted,” was my unconscious thinking. But all the while I felt rejected. Anger I viewed as bad, something that blamed and diminished me and so until most recently I have had a difficult time feeling, acknowledging and being OK with me possibly having any angry feelings. I have routinely told myself to just do my best to “rise” above it. Just letting it be is the next step for me.
So the root of not experiencing/expressing anger was to get love and approval. I know now that neither can be earned or controlled, but are freely given. Deeper still, is the need to accept and love myself unconditionally in all situations, moods, thoughts and feelings. So…
Dear Craig,
There is nothing you have to do be loved. You were born of love and in essence are love itself. Being “good” or “bad” cannot change who you are and what you deserve. Behaviors, feelings, thoughts are just part of your experience and being able to accept them for what they are allows their energy to move through you instead of restrict you. Anger is OK. It empowers and energizes. It informs you that something is affecting you. Let yourself allow it, being the observer and learning what gift it has for you. Perhaps you are letting a boundary down or redefining a new one. Anger can protect you in that way.
Anger is just fiery energy. Let it warm you and move you. Sometimes you may be stuck and need a push. Let your anger push you to where you want to go and to grow.
What you learned about anger growing up wasn’t accurate. Unfortunately, neither of your parents had an awareness around their feelings and they were just subject to them and subjected you to them. They did the best they could and loved you at their highest level. Their love was certainly an evolution from the love they received from their parents. So although they may have confused you and given you messages that restricted your sense of love and being accepted, the power to be loved unconditionally now lies wholly within your power. Indeed, by allowing yourself to feel anger and the whole spectrum of humanness, you are taking the first step to unconditionally love yourself. Whenever something uncomfortable comes up, just ask yourself, “Can I just love myself with this feeling right now?” View yourself as a small child, like Emma or Laurel, when she was so small and innocent, and be gentle and kind with yourself no matter what you are thinking or feeling. Just like you would with them. You wouldn’t blame them or shame them. You would reach out to them from love and affirm what they are feeling.
Whatever you wanted and didn’t get from your parents, give it to yourself generously now! Indulge yourself. Tell yourself, “It’s OK. I am OK. I love myself. I am so good, so deserving. What I am feeling is OK. I am grateful to feel and be alive. I want to feel more and be even more alive.”
You are already considerate enough, that letting a little anger out won’t rock the world. And if it does, go for it! Rock the world. It needs a little shaking right now!
I love you. You are amazing and you have great depth of feeling.
Sincerely,
Craig
Beliefs and truth about control
I have believed that I do not deserve, so I cannot directly state and go after what I desire.
I have believed that being indirect, controlling and controlling myself and others will be the best strategy to get what I want.
I have believed that others will not support me in getting what I want, just like my parents didn’t support me deeply as a loveable, deserving person.
I have believed to want is bad, so guilt has been associated with my desire.
I have believed I should be happy and behave well with things just the way they are now.
The truth is…
I am deserving of all I desire and I can share that and pursue it as much as I want.
Being direct about what I want feels better and allow others to be informed of who I am and where my desire is.
Others may choose to support me in my pursuit of my desire, but even if they don’t it doesn’t limit me or diminish me. The desires I hold are OK.
It is natural and healthy to want: it is the expansive God energy within wanting to be expressed as me, evolving, growing…
I enjoy what I have and each moment.
I accept my passion and ambition.